The Worst Years of My Life

2013 was the worst year of my life.  

It makes me think of Jim Gaffigan's response to "what's it like having your fourth kid?"  He goes, "Just imagine you're drowning.  And then someone hands you a baby."  That was 2013.  One. Thing. After. The. Other. 

Like every year since graduating college, 2014 was no picnic but at least I had a church family now.  Going into this new year with a job I'm excited about and the ability to get my own place and some (knock on wood) STABILITY, I'm hoping 2015 will be way way WAY better than the last two years.  

In 2013 and 2014 I started writing on my calendar every time I had an answer to prayer.  Going through it the other day my mind was blown.  Looking back I can see God working.  I want to encourage any of you who are struggling with all the death, and sickness, and pain in this world.  Psalm 34:18 says, "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."  This has been the case in my life.  Below is a handful of answered prayers I can share via blogging.  Know there are answers to prayer from the past two years that blow these out of the water.  I'd be more than happy to share them with you in private.  I hope this will remind you that we have a BIG and LOVING God. 

-Heart Association: A week after my dad had his heart attack and his heart was only doing 35% of what it should, I was praying to the Lord at work, telling Him how overwhelmed and scared I was.  Right then I get a call from a woman with the American Heart Association.  She wanted to talk to HR about signing up a team for a heart walk.  I could have easily missed her and just passed her on to HR, but something went wrong and she got sent back to me so we started talking.  I told her what happened a week prior and she was so encouraging and told me about all these resources I didn't know were out there.

-Lunch Friend: I remember complaining to my friend Allison how I didn't have a friend to eat lunch with at my new job and missed having lunch every day with my Bristol girls who I did international missions with and went with to the same Pentecostal-type church.  She challenged me to pray and ask God for a friend to eat lunch with.  It would have been cool if all of a sudden I made a friend at work, but no.  God had to show off.  A couple weeks later who shows up?  Some girl who just finished doing missions work around the world for a year and grew up at a Pentecostal church!!!!!!  Both of us started at a TRUCKING company at THE SAME TIME!?!??  Needless to say, lunch was no longer a lonely bore.  

-Little Gifts: I lost all my CDs in college.  Going down to a bowl game a couple years later I lost my iPod.  It was good in a way though.  I had enough heartache in my life.  I needed to stay away from my country songs.  Now there are two dates that come up in the year that can be hard for me and make me wonder, "really God?  Do You really know what You're doing?  I feel like You're hurting me."  On one of those days I was getting ready for bed and had a song from one of my favorite old CDs stuck in my head.  I thought, "Man I miss that band.  I can't find them on Youtube or anything.  If I could have one CD back it would probably be that one.  It's unique; it's in my voice range..."  I get on the floor to pray in my new bedroom- my grandparents' junk room.  I'm praying about how it's a hard day of the year, how I really need the Lord to let me know He's with me, etc.  I open my eyes and look to the right and there in a pile of my grandma's junk is that band's CD, by my head the whole time!  Later when the other date like this came up I was driving my little cousin.  He opens the arm rest between the driver and passenger seat and says, "what's this?".  It was my iPod.  I didn't know that compartment opened!  My friend must have put the iPod in there coming back from the bowl game.  The little Apple machine survived three summers and winters in my car!!  

-Volleyball: Some people on my volleyball team were getting on my nerves.  We were in the "social league", for people who aren't that serious about it.  A lot of us were beginners but could laugh when we messed up.  Other people on the team should have gone up a league, because they were really good AND competitive.  Their proclivity towards the latter did not create in them the most gracious of hearts towards the rest of us.  One day I asked the Lord if I could play really well so that the other good players would see someone with skill be kind to someone lacking in skill, or even give me the chance to be gracious towards THEM when they messed up.  I played REALLY well that day and was given those opportunities.

-Moving: I packed up one day and decided I had to move out of my grandparents' house.  I didn't know exactly what I would do.  I'm in the car praying to the Lord, "I know You know I had to leave.  Where do You want me to go?  I can't go here, I can't go live there...WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO GO?"  Right then I parked and see the car in front of me has the license plate "PSLM32 8".  I thought, "OK.  This better be something."  Psalm 32:8 says, "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you."  That very night I meet these strangers in Church Hill (neighborhood right by my job) who have a room in their house for only $200 a month (exactly what I can afford).

-Joy: I had one palm face up and the other driving me home.  I was singing a worship song.  It mentioned "JOY".  I prayed, "Lord I don't want JOY in other things.  I need to learn to have JOY in YOU."  You can't make this up.  The second I finish saying that I come up to a car who's license plate is "JOY NHYM".

-Workout: Again I was praying in the car and I asked the Lord what to do about something and being kind of depressed.  What license plate then comes in front of me?  "EXERCISE".  I had been making excuses to my fitness instructor friend all week about why I wasn't working out.  After that I DID workout, and it turns out it was exactly what I needed.

-401K: One weekend I was talking to my friends (pastor and his wife) about finances.  My pastor's been reading books on economics in his spare time.  Unlike me he actually gets excited talking about personal finances and budgeting and savings.  Trying to be helpful, he started drawing diagrams and going all over this stuff that is all over my head.  I was just thinking, "this is all great, but you have to HAVE money to do something with it.  I have no money to do anything with!"  I left pretty bummed, wondering how on earth I could ever have savings, figuring it was all my fault for taking too much out in student loans or something.  Three days later at work the HR guy comes up to me and says, "If someone told you they had free money for you, would you take it?"  He figured out a way for me to have a 401K without putting any of my own money in, and if I just signed some papers he could backtrack and put months of past money in.  Basically, he gave me my retirement.  I called my friend/pastor's wife and asked if they had prayed about my finances.  She said, "yeah you seemed upset after we talked about things the other day, so we prayed the Lord would give you peace about your finances."

-Dream: For a while I was asking Jesus if I could see Him in my dreams, if we could hang out.  People got to see him 2,000 years ago.  I was jealous.  I kept praying this.  One night I DID have a dream with Him in it.  It was not what I was expecting (which is usually His way).  It's an interesting story.

-Accepting Christ: One night I prayed our church would actually see a nonbeliever come to know Christ.  I go to church with awesome people- they're intelligent, they're patient, they're loving.  I didn't understand how any nonbelievers we hung out with didn't see Jesus was real.  I get an email the next day from our pastor that THAT night one of the last people he'd ever expect to accept Christ as their savior did!

-Robbie: This past year I was praying more for my older brother Robbie who has Downs Syndrome.  He easily gets lost in the shuffle.  I had no clue what his relationship with the Lord looked like.  One week I was praying pretty fervently for him, asking the Lord, "does he even pray to You?"  I didn't know if I'd ever heard him pray.  He never wanted to if he was asked.  That Sunday our extended family got together for a birthday or something and my mom goes, "Robbie told me in the car on the way here that he would like to pray before we eat."  I then heard my brother give a real and beautiful little prayer- something like "Dear God, we thank you for all the things.  We love You.  In Jesus name, Amen."  My jaw was on the floor.

-Free Lunch: One day I was fasting and praying over provision.  A $900 car problem messed me up big time.  I was like, "Lord, I'm partly fasting right now because I don't feel like buying food.  I can't even afford basic food right now!  I need some help here!"  After that I go back into the office and this guy I see every day looks at me and goes, "I owe you a lunch."  I was like, "what...?"  All of a sudden he remembered I picked his lunch up for him when he was busy one time LAST YEAR.

-My Deer: One day I was about to go crazy from the monotony of my life.  I was very frustrated with the Lord.  I went to the park to jog like I did most days, and probably NEEDED to run to let off some steam, but instead I walked.  I said, "Lord, I need today to be different.  I need this day to not look like every. OTHER. DAY.  OK?  So can I please see a deer?  I've decided I want to see a deer.  Yes.  I've never seen a deer here.  I hardly ever see them.  Show me a deer."  I stopped behind different trees waiting.  I was adamant.  Eventually I came out of the woods into a field and there was a deer.  You'd think that would be awesome enough, but I got gutsy.  I was like, "Lord, it would be reallyreally cool if I could walk past the deer and sit on that bench over there to watch it for awhile. I promise I won't mess with it."  I started walking to the bench.  The deer let me get BETWEEN it and the woods.  It was just 20 feet from me!  I sat on the bench and the experience was GLORIOUS!  After twenty minutes or so it went into the woods.  Then the Lord was crazy gracious again.  I followed this deer into the woods!  It would walk a little ways, then I would walk a little ways.  Again, we were about 20 feet apart this whole time!  I tried to get closer than that at one point and it snorted at me and looked like it was about to charge.  Since I promised the Lord I wouldn't mess with it I backed up.  But all together that day, I spent an hour with this deer.  That day was NOT like every other day.

-Can you?: Similar feeling as the day above- I was leaving work and hadn't hardly talked to another human being all day, and I was going home to not talk to another human being all day.  I thought, "OK Lord, You say You want me to turn to You and have JOY in You?  You haven't talked to me all day.  I could go home and read Your Word, and I could get something out of it, but I want to know for sure that YOU are there and listening to me and talking to me specifically!!  Can you just make this license plate up here have a specific verse on it please?"  I pull up to this car and the plate is "MRK9V23"  Mark 9 verse 23 is this: " 'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes."

I could go on and on with these y'all.  The Lord is so real it isn't funny.  I don't know how people go through this life without experiencing moments like this, where you know the Lord is with you and loves you.  If I had never met Jesus and didn't believe He loved me specifically.... I'll say it: I could possibly have killed myself things were so awful.  If you're interested in knowing more about why I truly believe Jesus is this God, let me know.  We'll talk. 

If you know Jesus is God but don't know why He is putting you through what He's putting you through, you're not alone.  Most of these answers to prayer showed me He was with me.  The things I pray most about He doesn't answer how I'd like.  These answers show me though that He hears the other prayers too.  He wants me to trust that, and trust that all of this is for my good and His glory.  

Last one: This past winter I was sitting at my desk at work.  It's right by the door.  I had a blanket on, snow boots, a scarf, and my winter coat.  I HATE winter.  I HATE being cold.  I was talking to the Lord, "I hate winter so much.  Why do we have winter anyways?  Life is hard enough without it being cold.  I feel like my life is a winter right now..."  RIGHT THEN (can't make this up!!) our HR director walks up, looks out at the snow and says, "You know why we have winters?"  He had my attention.  "The winter is great for killing pests.  We've had mild winters the last couple years, and they haven't been enough to kill the bugs like they should.  There's a purpose behind what nature does, just uncomfortable sometimes."  I was thinking God's purpose in my personal winter was so I would learn thankfulness and better appreciate summer when it finally came.  Not at all.  When my colleague said that, I knew God was telling me this season of my life is about refining me.  He wants to kill my sin.  He wants me to throw that crap off and get to know Him on a level I can't imagine.  

Know He loves you too.  Call on Him.

This third I will put into the fire;
    I will refine them like silver
    and test them like gold.
They will call on my name
    and I will answer them;
I will say, ‘They are my people,’
    and they will say, ‘The Lord is our God.’
-Zechariah 13:9

HE CAREZ

Dear Reader,
   I want you to feel the weight of what happened today, so I'm sorry but I can't make it short and sweet.  God gets more praise this way.  Also, I hope you like girl talk.

   I know I've shared on here before about my Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS).  These little cysts cause me to have WAY messed up hormone levels, which in turn gives me some very not fun symptoms.  Obviously I'm out there and open about everything, but if you didn't know, this has caused me to severely lose my hair.  I won't wear it down any more and will probably look into wigs in a year or two.  Doctors don't think I've ever ovulated- so infertility could come with this too.  The one nice symptom I'VE had (these symptoms vary for everyone with PCOS) is my period always comes every two months or more, not the 28-day average.
   In January of 2011 an endocrinologist put me on a birth control pill and some other pill three times a day to "help" my hair loss.  It gave me a regular period (or tricked my body into one- no ovulation with birth control obviously) and gave me the clearest skin everrrrr.  I didn't even have to wash my face hardly.  Though my hair didn't come back, it was probably slowing down the rate at which I lost it.  Birth Control was sweet.  Things changed a year ago though.  All my friends are grown up and working in the medical field.  They told me there is no birth control (other than condoms) that can 100% guarantee it won't prevent a fertilized egg from attaching to the uterine wall.  Yes, it's point may be to kill sperm, and there may be a very very small chance of it contributing to a fertilized egg not being able to attach, but that chance is there.  People say their doctors don't tell them this.  The pharmacist friend says the information is right there on the drugs.  Your doctor may not think an itty-bitty chance of this happening to something they may not consider life is worth mentioning.  
   So I thought, well, I'd like to get married one day.  Odds are I will, so I need to get off the pill and figure something else out.  Seeing God do miraculous healings while I lived in Bristol, and paying more attention to the topic as I read the Bible, I asked Him to heal me.  This was around Labor Day weekend last year.  I asked my Bristol girls to seriously pray about this that weekend too.  First day back to the real world, a woman on my volleyball team told me her niece had the exact same thing, had to wear a wig, but went gluten-free and now wore her hair down.  It helped that much.  My favorite food is bread people.  When I was eleven I threw up at Thanksgiving because I stuffed 14 dinner rolls into my tiny stomach.  I love wheat.  YET I gave it up because I thought this had to be God's answer.  I, Katherine Hodges, went gluten-free for five months!!!  
   Nothing changed.  My skin went back in time to middle school days, angry with me for taking away the birth control.  Turning 26 I had to get my own insurance and pay for the other drug on my own.  It wasn't worth the money to me... I figured God could heal me if it was His plan, and if it wasn't, I'd rather spend the money on rent or something eternal.
   The week of Christmas, after being back a year, I finally found a home church in Richmond- literally, as we meet in homes.  It is amazing and awesome.  This couple my age had just started it.  Like me, these people believe the Bible to be God-breathed and authoritative.  Love this church.  In April I went to visit my friend in Philadelphia.  I wore these flat-as-paper sandals walking allll over the city and it messed my foot UP.  The last day I limped the whole time.  I hoped it would feel better after resting in the car home, but when I got to church I still had to limp it was so painful.  I asked if anyone had the gift of healing.  A guy prayed for God to heal it while a girl laid hands on it.  I stood up.  I walked.  There was zero pain.  Praise God for healing and this church that believes God can do anything!
   Something just as miraculous if you know what my financial situation has been- I paid off my car in August.  Between that and my little sister being grown-up enough to get married, I figured I should be grown-up enough to go to the gynecologist for the first time.  This doctor specializes in PCOS stuff too and was recommended by a friend.  After a long visit and follow-up visit where she said big words and I wrote them down to figure out later, she told me she hasn't seen anyone with symptoms as severe as mine!  (Oh my gosh, MY LIFE....it actually makes me laugh. :b)  She recommended I get this surgery where they cut out part of my ovaries.  (You can click here and scroll down to "Ovary Wedge Resection", but it's graphic.)  She also suggested I take natural family planning classes on charting cycles and all that fun stuff, because she confirmed that, yes, my pharmacist friend was correct about birth control.
   Back to church.  After the doctor visit I asked everyone to pray for me.  This doctor wanted me to do a surgery, but I couldn't afford it with my current insurance plan.  I figured if she specialized in this that she would have seen people like me, but my hair loss was severe even to her.  I told them it was kind of cool though, because like usual, God was putting me in a place where I was desperate for Him to come through.  We had a time of prayer and worship.  We had a message, shared with each other like we do.  After we were free to hang out, of course I had to be my bossy self.  I reminded them of my testimony, how God had shown me that His word was living and breathing.  I wanted to do exactly as it said in James 5: "Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord."  I told them I didn't quite get it, but I wanted to do that.  I want to know I did what God said.  So everyone laid hands on me and we scrounged up some coconut oil and people took turns asking God to heal me.  It was really beautiful.  Again, love them.  I was hoping my hair would grow back that second, I'd feel something...... but there was nothing.  
   When my man Hezekiah asked God to heal him and God said He would, Hezekiah was still given medicine.  Someone mentioned how they heard stress played a big role in cysts.  We talked about how I should join a gym and get serious about taking care of my body- it does have a tendency to take stress on physically.  My jaw was locked for a month when I quit SafeWorld.  Last year there was horrible family stuff and I had like... ten canker sores in my mouth for weeks.  So yes, maybe just taking care of my body more could be medicine.  God's lack of healing could be because He created the symptoms to tell me something- I needed to get control of stress and be a good steward of my body.
   The next day there was a flyer in the mail for a gym by my office costing only $10 a month....I told the Lord, "Fine".  This was my first week going.  I don't know what I'm doing, but a third of this house church are fitness instructors it seems, so I think I'll be good.  Then yesterday I got to talk to the woman who teaches the NaPro classes my doctor recommended.  We'd been emailing, and after she told me the price I told her I'd just figure it out on my own.  (Because I'm soooo great at science and health.)  I didn't think my extra money from paying off my car would be able to keep being stretched.  She emailed we should talk, saying "Katherine,would you have time for a phone call on Wednesday?  I'd like to explain NaPro's approach for PCOS so you know what you're comparing us with.  It is our highest success for infertility (2.8x better than IVF) and 90% of women go into regular cycles."  Those were some crazy statistics, so I talked to her.  There may be some financial aid for the classes.  That was good news.  She too went on and on about the surgery and told me to get that done ASAP; it works.  I found out I actually might be able to afford it if I switch my insurance plan in January.  I thought, "OK Lord.... you saw me this week as I cried for the sick woman in Luke 8, as I cried for myself because I KNOW the same Jesus now sits at the right hand of the Father on my behalf and could have healed me the second we prayed at church, but... this is cool too.  Look at all these things coming together."
   Back to church again.  This month we've had extra Saturday sessions going over Gospel Fluency.  I feel like I'm unlocking the key to the universe.  (Because I am.)  I had no IDEA the idols in my life.  I'm a mess.  It's amazing.  It IS amazing to have your eyes opened to what is causing pain.  Like the PCOS, now that I have a name for all my random symptoms (why I overreact when this thing happens, why I can't let go of that thing), I can figure out what the medicine should be.  How can the Gospel penetrate my heart in this and that situation?  I had no idea you could look at the Good News of Jesus from so many angles!!  This should be a post in itself, but this month has not merely been the beginning of physical healing.
   So let's recap.  I have felt hopeless when it came to my PCOS.  I found out there are some hopeful procedures I could have.  PCOS has made me get serious about my physical health.  PCOS has been a good reminder of my spiritual health.  When I cry to God because I can't get my hair to do what it should, I'm ALWAYS reminded that I don't cry to Him over my sin like that.  It has caused me to get serious about the sin in my life.  Since I can remember in my 14 years menstruating, I have had my period every two months or longer.  Today I got my period at 31 days in my cycle.  

   Say WHAT?!  Yes, that's one month- NOT two.  That's never happened off birth control.  This makes no sense.

   This is a miracle!

   Y'all.  Nothing different has happened.  I've worked out long before joining this gym.  This doctor didn't prescribe anything.  The only thing different is between my last period and this period my church heard the Word and believed and prayed.
   What does this mean?  NO CLUE!  I was ready to have a surgery!  Does this mean I'm ovulating and working right?  Is it going to continue?  I know I haven't seen a difference in hair loss.  THE LORD IS CRAZY!!!  Again, the PCOS has opened my eyes to things.  I still want to take the classes.  I'm glad I'm finally taking care of my body.  I don't know if I would look at sin how I do without it, and in response, how I look at Jesus.  Maybe the Lord just wanted to get me to a certain point in my level of Faith.  I'll watch in coming months and see what my doctor thinks.  I do know this:

Friend saw this today and thought of me.  She had no clue any of this was going on!!

 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
-1 Peter 5

Should we pray?

  Last night at my church a guy came in late because he had been on the phone with his dad.  Not uncommon.  Except it is for him.  He told us that morning he had woken up from a dream about his dad.  He got up and prayed, asking God if he could please find his father this year.  He hadn't seen him in twenty years.  That same day his father called and found HIM.  This is my God.  He is Yahweh.  
   Believe it or not, my God-moving-answered-prayer story of the week shocked everyone more than that story.  Oh my God is good and His word is true.  I wish I could share on here with everyone.  I could tell you so many stories of God moving.  I've done it on here before.  Instead I want to pass along to you what has helped me in prayer and dramatically changed my life.  I read the Bible, and I take it literally.  I don't have time to explain why that means I don't have to follow Hebrew laws like not wearing clothes with mixed fibers... SO just try this little prayer piece out, whether you believe in God or are searching.  Go through the Bible and read what it says about prayer and apply it.  See that God DOES NOT ALWAYS LISTEN.  I'm so sick of hearing "God always hears you".  He says He won't.  An example here would be Psalm 66:18.  I've probably read that Psalm a dozen times and just saw this today!  You have to be looking for these things.  Here are examples of what I came across this weekend while reading some of the minor prophets.  I'd love comments of your favorite verses like these as you find them.  I'm limiting myself to only the books I read this weekend.  I could go on and on, but this way you can get in the Word yourself and be looking.

So..... should we pray?    

As soon as you began to pray, an answer was given...
Daniel 9:23

 First just start praying and see!  Study Daniel's prayer in chapter 9.  See how he talks to the Lord of All Creation and imitate him.  Study Daniel's character and why he was heard.  When you don't know what/how to pray you can turn to the Psalms and other people's prayers.

...Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to them.
Daniel 10:12

Seek wisdom and humble yourself.  So huge.  And humble yourself BEFORE God.  Yes we are to pray without ceasing.  There's nothing wrong with praying on your drive to work, praying a quick "give me patience" while you're talking with someone.  I think there IS a problem with never closing your door and getting prostrate before the One who gave you life, who has the power to throw you into Hell.

...All their kings fall, and none of them calls on me.
Hosea 7:7

This just struck me that it matters to God when we don't call on Him.  He wants to hear from you.

"Even now, " declares the LORD, "return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning."...   ...Then the LORD will be jealous for his land and take pity on his people. 
Joel 2:12-18

Is your prayer time this intense?  I know I couldn't drive a car while doing that.  Evidently this affects our God.  I've noticed lately that the times I'm this intense He really shows up.

Seek good, not evil, that you may live.  Then the LORD God Almighty will be with you, just as you say he is.

Amos 5:14

So you say God is with you, but is He?  When was the last time He answered a prayer in a miraculous way?  Amos is full of what the Lord finds evil.  Turn from those things. 

Away with the noise of your songs! I will not listen to the music of your harps.
Amos 5:23

In verse 21 He says, "I hate, I despise your religious feasts; I cannot stand your assemblies."  This tells me God is not with every church.  There are churches with hymns at 11a.m. Sunday mornings that actually hurt His ears.  He says He will NOT listen.

   When they had stripped the land clean, I cried out, "Sovereign LORD, forgive! How can Jacob survive? He is so small!" 
   So the LORD relented. "This will not happen, " the LORD said. 
   This is what the Sovereign LORD showed me: The Sovereign LORD was calling for judgement by fire; it dried up the great deep and devoured the land. Then I cried out, "Sovereign LORD, I beg you, stop! How can Jacob survive? He is so small!"  
   So the LORD relented.  "This will not happen either, " the Sovereign LORD said.
Amos 7:2-6

Cry out for others!  Our prayers change God's course of action!  Check out Jeremiah 12:11 (especially in the NIV Bible).  "Never let your prayin' knees get lazy".  (That's not the verse.) 

...In my distress I called to the LORD, and he answered me.  From the depths of the grave I called for help, and you listened to my cry.

Jonah 2:2

He listens when we call for help from Him.  When you're at the end of your rope (or the bottom of a whale), He is there.  Look at this whole prayer in context.  Jonah's answer to the storm stopping, then not drowning, was he was swallowed by a whale.  When you're inside a whale for three days, it's probably not your idea of fun.  You don't know how you'll ever get out, you can't see any light, you never would have planned this, please see that still- this "whale" prevents you from drowning.  You're walking right in the middle of answered prayer.  Get on your face and sing a song of thanksgiving like Jonah did.

When my life was ebbing away, I remembered you, LORD, and my prayer rose to you, to your holy temple.
Jonah 2:7

Remember God in hard times.  Turn to Him, not from Him, and your prayers will rise to Him.  Amos 4 is full of God sending calamity after calamity in hopes that Israel would return to God.  What you're going through may be His way of getting your attention, so give it.  Do you want Him to send you more crap?  Worse yet, do you want Him to no longer give a hoot about you?  Things could be going well in your life because He is done trying to get your attention.  Chew on this: Satan can care less if you're healthy, rich, have good self-esteem.  All he cares about is whether you worship and fear the Lord.  If he can get your mind off the Lord by giving you "good" things, he will.

Then they will cry out to the LORD, but he will not answer them.  At that time he will hide his face from them because of the evil they have done.
Micah 3:4

Jesus' death for our sins was big enough for any evil in your past.  This appears to be people who are not repentant.  Are you?  

Another thing you do: You flood the LORD's altar with tears.  You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands.  You ask, "Why?"  It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.
Malachi 2:13-14

Guess what church.  God takes marriage very seriously.  Weep and wail all you want, but He hates divorce (Malachi 2:16).  Study what the word says on marriage.  It's affecting your prayers.  (1 Peter 3:7)  This link will take you to a good sermon series on marriage by a biblical pastor.

Then those who feared the LORD talked with each other, and the LORD listened and heard...
Malachi 3:16

This is so cool!  Just if we meet with others who FEAR the Lord He hears us.

There is so much teaching on this topic throughout the Bible.  You want to hear from God?  The Bible is His primary voice.  Listen to Him!  

JOY in God

Yahweh has talked to me so much through the preaching of men like Francis Chan, David Platt, and John Piper.  Finding this today was a direct answer to my time in prayer last night. You don't even know...

God is real.  Seek Him.  Seek to have JOY in Him.

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"Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you, " declares the LORD...

-Jeremiah 29:12-14a

HEZKIAH

If you have not yet heard, I have a full-time adult-person job.

That is right.  A JOB.  Eligible-for-benefits-in-a-month, not-applying-for-anything-else-for-one-to-two-years JOB.

After the last post, I'd love to tell you I'm opening my own gallery, the Communications Director for a nonprofit, was asked by National Geographic to photograph hidden tropical destinations, etc..... but it's way more Dunder-Mifflin than that.

After I moved back to Richmond I had multiple conversations with a Christian organization that has disabled adult group homes all over the world.  I was SO sure that had to be the adventure God had next.  I would again be in great community, it would only pay a small stipend so I would still have to paint and trust God to provide, and they only had openings in very cold places so I would be making a big sacrifice.  But like so many other jobs in the last couple of years, weird things happened that seemed to be blocking me- even though these people really liked me.  (Let me tell you, I have been told someone was going to hire me but a single mom came in after me and of course they had to give it to her.  Someone was going to hire me but then at the last minute the person I'd be replacing decided not to leave.  I have been hired and then unhired right before I was supposed to start a job because the organization's board decided they disagreed with the director's choice in hiring me.)  As I realized getting hired by this organization may too not come to fruition, I had to do what I swore I would never do, and apply for jobs in Richmond.  I could barely believe it, but I knew I had exhaustively tried everything else.  I knew that God knew I would go and do anything.  He knows what is best for me and could have done a number of things to keep me out of Richmond/away from family issues.  (Obviously He did for all of 2012.)  I conceded His will may be that it was time for me to come back.  

Before Christmas I ran into this very sweet woman from the church I went to as a teen.  I'd never talked to her much before, but she was really nice trying to think of somewhere I might be able to find employment.  She works for the company her husband started/owned, but they weren't hiring anyone at the moment.  I gave her my card and told her to let me know if anything ever came up.

Well wouldn't you know the next day she calls me because their Administrative Assistant left.  I sent in an application, but Christmas was upon us and I didn't hear about anything for awhile.  After the New Year I reluctantly (I mean, it was really hard to do it.) checked up on things again.  They had me come in the next day for an interview.  Now, at this point, I have had a good number of interviews in my life.  The average seems to be 45 minutes.  I think this one was between ten and fifteen minutes.  They called me that day to offer me the job.  Back in November I interviewed a SECOND time for a different opening with Joni and Friends International Disability Center in Charlotte.  I had experience.  I got along great with everyone- AGAIN.  I was there two hours.  They had me do skills tests on the computer, had me do a personality test, talked about how THAT was THE place I wanted to work- how perfect it was for me.  Yet, that job I didn't get, and this one where I tell them I have no aspirations to stay past a year or two and we only talk for a couple minutes I get.  I was just like, "OK Lord. You win.  I give up."

Obviously He wants me here.  I haven't had any breakdowns but feel good knowing this HAS to be His will.  Just some little things have shown me how much He cares and knows what's best for me.  The company is a trucking/shipping company on the side of Richmond where my grandparents live, so I am living with them now which is really good.  Most administrative assistant/receptionist jobs are at a desk in the front of the office by themselves.  The only time you get to talk is when your coworkers are coming back from lunch and you have fifteen identical conversations about how it's going to rain tomorrow and you want to scream.  I know it is a small blessing from God that he has the woman from my church working right next to me.  THEN it has been so amazing talking to her and realizing God has been revealing so many identical things about Himself to the both of us in the last couple of years.  The "Man" knows what He's doing.  Another awesome little thing: the company does a couple events/fundraising to give back to the community.  Because my supervisor knows that's what I'm interested in, she is letting me help the guy who usually heads all that up.  Everyone at the place is so nice.  It's been good.

So much of my story the last year has been God providing.  After I moved back to Richmond this Fall, again I figured I could in no way pay my bills.  I threw kind of an impromptu Art Sale.  It was about fifty dollars short of what I needed.  Then that night a friend from out of town, who I never get to see but was going to be seeing in a couple weeks at a wedding, placed an order for a total of sixty dollars.  November was covered.  Truly a miracle.  Then came December.  I got a couple Christmas orders from the show but it really didn't look like it would be enough.  I still don't know how but somehow it was enough.  (Actually, I know some of you gave me a little "extra" when paying.  You got me through another month when I didn't think it would happen and I thank you.)  I'd actually given up that month.  Just knew I wasn't going to be able to pay my loans so I didn't try as hard as I could have.  It's like God doesn't even let me quit.  His love has amazed me these last couple years. 

At first, I thought if I got a steady paying job like I got two weeks ago, I wouldn't get to see God providing for me in these awesome ways anymore.  I was actually sad to see that time end.  I know now He is way bigger and has way cooler things in store for me than financial miracles.  I was looking back at my journal from the last couple years and was reminded how He has already shown me how relational He wants to be.  I've seen so many amazing things, but I haven't been able to share them on here because they include people other than me, and it's not my place to tell their story.  Here's an example of some I CAN tell though:
-I realized one night I had not prayed in a long time for the orphans I met one day in Haiti.  I hadn't even hardly thought about them.  That night I took some time and prayed for them.  The next day I see on Facebook that an organization installed a well for them.  They finally had access to water.  I was like.... woooah. 
-A similar thing.  I have a friend with a brain tumor.  I was woken up in the middle of the night one night by a very specific dream of this friend in a lot of pain.  I never have dreams like this.  I just felt like I had to get out of bed and pray for her.  I realized I hadn't been praying for her for awhile either.  I started doing that again, and two weeks later she posted she had had her first good report from a doctor. 
-I found out someone I knew hadn't been going to church for a long time and I was surprised.  I didn't want them and their family to miss out on what I was experiencing and could see where they needed the Lord.  I never talked to them about this.  I started praying, "Lord, will you speak to them.  Please just speak to them."  I don't why I prayed "speak" but I always did.  A year or so later I am talking to this person (and unless they're reading this now they still wouldn't know I prayed this) and they tell me God spoke to them in a dream.  They said it was just like in Revelation.  They saw Jesus come out of the sky...and I can't tell any more but it was a goosebumps all over my body moment.

God hears us.

God hears ME.  Any of my friends will tell you I'm an angry, bitter, fart of a person.  If someone like me can continually be forgiven and pursued by The Ruler Of The Universe For All Eternity, then know the same is true for you.  I'm not sure if/how I'll use this blog in the future.  I'm hoping the next chapter of my life will include me pursuing people like God has done with me.  I want to invest in other people's lives and see souls turn towards Jesus.  As that's not something that happens over night, I don't think it will work for me to share personal stories about how I see their lives changing.  Who knows though- since I don't have a creative outlet at work, I may start writing every now and then on different topics to keep the juices flowing.  And I've learned not to underestimate God.  I guess there could be cool stories for me to share. 

Like this one.  Last week the story of Hezekiah had been in the back of my mind.  I had really only payed attention to it last year.  It was new to me.  (Which blows my mind because it is in three different books of the Bible!  I can't believe I've never even heard a sermon or Sunday School lesson on it.)  I remembered God healed Hezekiah and heard his prayer.  I think I just wanted to find it again for comfort.  When I went to read my Bible though I would forget about it.  Then it would be in the back of my mind again while at work.  Well Tuesday night I was coming home from work and it was pouring rain.  I've needed new wipers for years (Hallelujah I can afford something as cheap as THAT now!) and so I can barely see anything when it's raining that hard.  Everything's a blur.  But I kid you not- I stopped at a red light and see the license plate of the car I'd been following.  It says "HEZKIAH".  It. was. weird.  That night I did NOT forget to look up the story.  Read some commentary even which pointed out something I wouldn't have caught without it.  Had Hezekiah died and God ignored his pleas to live, Hezekiah's son Manasseh would have never been born.  Manasseh became Judah's terrible and ruthless leader for 55 years!  Instead of seeing Hezekiah's story as a great example of us having the power to change God's mind, I see now it is an example that He knows what is best for the world if we would seek His will.  Our prayer shouldn't necessarily be "change these circumstances to this", but "reveal to me Your will and change my heart so it aligns with Your's".

So.  To sum it all up: I am no longer moving from couch to couch.  I have a job in Richmond.  I am SO thankful for so many people who have been there for me this last year while I sought employment. (Actually a thank-you-Bristolians blog post may be in order.)  I am happy to know I'm where God wants me.  And I almost forgot- the woman who got me the job/my new desk neighbor- she's a Gamecock fan. :)

Hezekiah trusted in, leaned on, and was confident in the Lord, the God of Israel; so that neither after him nor before him was any one of all the kings of Judah like him.

For he clung and held fast to the Lord and ceased not to follow Him, but kept His commandments, as the Lord commanded Moses.

And the Lord was with Hezekiah; he prospered wherever he went.

-2 Kings 18:5-7a

If I learned one chapter in the Bible this year it's James 4

  
 Back in June I was kind of homeless and unemployed.  I didn't know how I was going to pay my bills.  Then a friend ordered this painting.  Even though I had no clue how I'd get it to him in Jackson, Mississippi without UPS destroying it, he payed in advance.  God provided.  Pretty much, this sums up 2012 to a T.  If you'd like to be caught up to speed, here we go:

-I had to be out of the donated SafeWorld/Starscape house at the end of April.

-A friend let me live with her for a month while I continued waitressing and waited to hear back from a potential job. At the end of May when I found out I didn't get the job, I decided to quit my waitressing job in Bristol (I don't want to squash anyone's dreams, but let me tell you, you can't make a living waitressing in Bristol, TN.) and move to Savannah, figuring I could make by waitressing there.

-  Friends in Bristol were going on vacation though, and said I could house-sit for them the first two weeks in June.  I put off going to Savannah and just painted.

-Right when this couple gets back, another couple needs someone to house-sit.  While there two weeks, I meet a man out walking.  He says he has a carriage house on a farm I can live on for the month of July for free.

-I lived in my OWN place on a BEAUTIFUL farm with an in-ground POOL for a month.  I gave up on going to Savannah and decided (am persuaded by Carrie and Kayla) to just give painting a go.

-While driving back to town from a fun birthday weekend, I tell God, "Lord, I only have a week left on the farm.  Could you please give me a job?  Actually, you don't even HAVE to give me a job.  You've provided through painting.  But I DO need a place to live after this week.....and.....I don't have to but it would be SO nice if I could have a roommate."  Before I get back to town, a friend calls and asks if I still need a place to live.  I say I do.  She says, "well we've decided to go teach in Malawi until *Christmas and would love for someone to watch the house.  You can have it for free.  Also, if you don't want to live alone, we know a girl who might be interested."  Below is a photograph from the last time they were in Malawi, and the wife had me paint for the husband's birthday right before they left.

-AND a week before I move into their house I get a call from a family I used to babysitt for every now and then.  They had no idea about any of this, if I was even in Bristol anymore.  They ask if I can watch their kids part-time, every week, September to December.  (*Christmas is in December.)  

If you haven't picked up on it yet, there's been some remarkable timing in my life.

SoooooOOOOOOoooOOOo since the end of the summer I have been living in the cutest Bristolian house with the sweetest roommate, watching kids three blocks away, and painting at Starscape Media.  It's kind of funny, but *knowing I'd have a place for 3.5 months seemed like eternity, because I even moved more than is listed.  I had to move with my month-of-May roommate when she moved from one condo to another, I think I actually went back to one of the first house-sitting houses in between staying at the other, I had to go stay with family in Richmond in between the farm and the Malawi couple's house..... it's just been crazy. I know this is long, but I want to list everything so I remember, and so you too can see there's something more than coincidence taking place in my life.  I watched this sermon the other night by Francis Chan and was like, "Yes! That's what's been happening to me!!".  You really REALLY need to take the time to watch his talk.

    I'm struggling so much with what to say.  Like Chan said, I can't even tell you every talk with God and prayer answered I've seen in the last couple months because something amazing happens every other day.  The list above is just God providing for my needs, but He so often provides for my wants too.  I'll give you one.  In my aunt's attic is a giant stuffed tiger.  I keep asking her to let me have it.  The kids are grown.  It's not played with.  All I want to do is take it to a certain Thanksgiving weekend football game in South Carolina for me and my friends to play with.  I guess she doesn't want to see images like the one below with her daughters' childhood playmate.  Sad.  One day though, I'm driving through my neighborhood and what to my wondering eyes should appear?  But a fat redneck carrying a stuffed dog to the curb.  I pulled over and asked if I could have it.  For months I knew I was going to the Georgia game, never the clemson game!!!  In the exact moment I was driving by, God put that dog on the curb for me to mutilate!  He's so good!!!  But again, I'm telling you I could go on and on.

   God is right here, waiting for all of us to come near to Him, so He can come close to us.  I became a christian at nine years old, but it wasn't until after college I told Him to do whatever He had to to make sure He was Number One in my life.  Not until then have I seen Him really moving in my life.  (Man.  I just want to dive so much into Chan's sermon.)  But yeah, I wasn't receiving answers to prayers before because I wasn't abiding in Christ and thinking with an eternal perspective.  Once I started yearning for the way better life after this one, I started caring about what He cared about.  And realizing His kingdom and desires CAN come on Earth "as it is in Heaven", I began asking and seeing this kind of stuff.  I feel so strongly that God has been training me up for bigger and better things.
   Go back to the beginning of this year's moving and I was not a happy girl.  But every time He provided I began to trust Him more and more, until it got to the point where I am now:

*Come now, you who say, Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a city and spend a year there and carry on our business and make money.

Yet you do not know [the least thing] about what may happen tomorrow.

  

 I found out ten days ago that my friends in Malawi were coming back early (today).  I had to quit my babysitting job.  That was my main source of income lately.  I have NO CLUE, I mean..... 

NO

CLUE

what God is going to do next.  But I can tell you that list above is not a list of me complaining about moving.  It is a list of God not forsaking me one time.  This is the first time I am truly anticipating something awesome to come next, though I can't see but a week in front of me.  I'm excited to share with you that God hasn't done anything yet!  Now y'all can watch it happen with me.  I don't have a place of my own.  I don't have a job.  But I can finally say I have FAITH.  Oh and I found out the family I babysatt for is driving in their spacious minivan to Jackson, Mississippi next weekend. :)

4 What leads to strife (discord and feuds) and how do conflicts (quarrels and fightings) originate among you? Do they not arise from your sensual desires that are ever warring in your bodily members?

² You are jealous and covet [what others have] and your desires go unfulfilled; [so] you become murderers. [To hate is to murder as far as your hearts are concerned.] You burn with envy and anger and are not able to obtain [the gratification, the contentment, and the happiness that you seek], so you fight and war. You do not have, because you do not ask.

³ [Or] you do ask [God for them] and yet fail to receive, because you ask with wrong purpose and evil, selfish motives. Your intention is [when you get what you desire] to spend it in sensual pleasures.

⁴ You [are like] unfaithful wives [having illicit love affairs with the world and breaking your marriage vow to God]! Do you not know that being the world’s friend is being God’s enemy? So whoever chooses to be a friend of the world takes his stand as an enemy of God.

⁵ Or do you suppose that the Scripture is speaking to no purpose that says, The Spirit Whom He has caused to dwell in us yearns over us and He yearns for the Spirit [to be welcome] with a jealous love?

⁶ But He gives us more and more grace (power of the Holy Spirit, to meet this evil tendency and all others fully). That is why He says, God sets Himself against the proud and haughty, but gives grace [continually] to the lowly (those who are humble enough to receive it).

⁷ So be subject to God. Resist the devil [stand firm against him], and he will flee from you.

⁸ Come close to God and He will come close to you. [Recognize that you are] sinners, get your soiled hands clean; [realize that you have been disloyal] wavering individuals with divided interests, and purify your hearts [of your spiritual adultery].

⁹ [As you draw near to God] be deeply penitent and grieve, even weep [over your disloyalty]. Let your laughter be turned to grief and your mirth to dejection and heartfelt shame [for your sins].

¹⁰ Humble yourselves [feeling very insignificant] in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you [He will lift you up and make your lives significant].

¹¹ [My] brethren, do not speak evil about or accuse one another. He that maligns a brother or judges his brother is maligning and criticizing the Law and judging the Law. But if you judge the Law, you are not a practicer of the Law but a censor and judge [of it].

¹² One only is the Lawgiver and Judge Who is able to save and to destroy [the One Who has the absolute power of life and death]. [But you] who are you that [you presume to] pass judgment on your neighbor?

¹³ Come now, you who say, Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a city and spend a year there and carry on our business and make money.

¹⁴ Yet you do not know [the least thing] about what may happen tomorrow. What is the nature of your life? You are [really] but a wisp of vapor (a puff of smoke, a mist) that is visible for a little while and then disappears [into thin air].

¹⁵ You ought instead to say, If the Lord is willing, we shall live and we shall do this or that [thing].

¹⁶ But as it is, you boast [falsely] in your presumption and your self-conceit. All such boasting is wrong.

¹⁷ So any person who knows what is right to do but does not do it, to him it is sin.

-James 4

Alexa and Owen's Engagement Photos

 

MY BEST FRIEND GOT ENGAGED!

MY BEST FRIEND TRUSTED ME TO TAKE HER ENGAGEMENT PHOTOS!!!

   This is a pretty big deal as I've never been payed for photography before.  It's an even bigger deal when she knew the camera, memory card, and photoshop had to be borrowed from three different people.  I don't think there are many so trusting.  This is what makes her....THE BEST!  Our whole friendship is flashing before my eyes and there is so much I want to talk about, but I'm scared I'll need it later for her wedding toast.  I'm going to be safe and just go over the photos.

   Props to all you photographers!  I've taken photography classes, so I thought the only thing I've been lacking to go professional was a really nice camera.  Nope.  It is hard.  The following are only the tip of the iceburg of the hours and hours worth we shot.  I am sure there is WAY more editing that could be done, but unless Lexi or Owen can think of anything specific (and I know how to do it), I'm out.

   The first group of photos take place in Carytown, a cute little artsy area in Richmond.  (Reminds me of Five Points in Columbia.)  The Byrd Theatre is a historic landmark there.  It plays movies a couple months late, so tickets are only two dollars.  They also host Richmond's Annual French Film Festival, the largest french film festival in North America.  Owen is a big movie buff.  Since Owen moved to Richmond they've frequented The Byrd often.

 

 

Sorry but it would take me a year to change the letters in this sign and it come out realistic.

Love your face in this!

The next group of photos were taken at Maymont, a free and beautiful park in Richmond.  There's a small zoo and different types of gardens.  Alexa and Owen wanted to especially get pictures at the gazebo where they had a date once.

 

 This right here is why even Alexa had to pay me.  I'm not watching my best friend make out with a guy for free, fiance or not.

 I think this one would be cute and easy to re-do when y'all are old.

 

If you want to go the artsy route...

 This is a tree in Maymont where "lovers" carve their initials.  I thought it would be the perfect background.  Poor Alexa and Owen kept trying to appease me as I made them take shot after shot, even though Alexa tripped multiple times over the roots in her heels.  Unfortunately the lighting wasn't great and I couldn't get the camera to focus there well.  Maybe later with more editing we'll find some good ones.

 Downtown Richmond!  We got some really cool shots while the sun was setting, but I'll need to learn more about taking photos when the light gets really low.  Technology is tricky.  I didn't mean for the last shot to be a silhouette, but someone has to be the "cover photo".

 

 

 

   Lastly....SURPRISE LEXI!  I recently had to throw away the poster you made me in high school.  (You know, with all my moving and all...)  And actually that sounds like a terrible surprise..... but I took digital photos of the WHOLE thing!!!  Here is a little tribute to our beautiful friendship that started at 12 years old!!!  Love you so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

 

  

 

Cheers on your engagement!